(Disclaimer: This is quiet possibly the longest blog post in the history of blogs, so if you are sitting down to read it, you might want to grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine.)
So much has happened over the last three days, I’m not sure where to begin. I guess I should back up to the very beginning. Last Sunday afternoon, Hank talked to his best friend from high school, Craig, and told him we had started the adoption process to bring home a little girl from China. He explained that God has given us a heart for China and how excited we were to be obedient to this calling. Craig and his wife, Amanda, have adopted two boys domestically and are big advocates for adoption in general. Amanda is a board member for and assists with a non-profit organization called Adoption Rocks that matches birth moms with families and good friends with the founding attorney, Donna. A week or so ago, Donna received a call from a young lady, D, looking to place her baby girl due March 23 for adoption. Donna collected some information from her and felt compelled to help her. D was an unusual case for Donna. Not only had she waited until really close to her due date to start the adoption process, but she also suffers from a seizure disorder that was caused by a head injury she received after being intentionally thrown from a boat by her step father at the age of 13. D explained to Donna that there is no way she can keep her baby. She can’t work or drive because of her seizures and only receives $600 a month in disability money. She had no transportation and no family support. Because Adoption Rocks has had a very busy year of placing babies, Donna only had three waiting families with whom to share D’s profile. Amanda, having learned of D’s situation from Donna, couldn’t get us out of her mind and felt led to reach out to us.
So, Tuesday morning, Hank received a call from Amanda that neither of us ever expected. She told him D’s story and asked if we would be interested in having her share with D about us and potentially adopting the baby. When he calls me (as I am driving to Atlanta with Adair, my best friend and her two girls) the first words out of his mouth were “I just received a call and I don’t know what to make of it”. He went on to explain the opportunity that was set before us. We talked and prayed and, over the course of the day, decided that God was asking us to walk through this open door. Amanda asked if we could come to Mobile over the weekend to meet D and get to know each other. Then she called back and said that D had a doctor’s appointment the next day (Wednesday) at 9 am and wanted to know if we could get to Mobile in time to go with her. This was all happening faster than we could process it, but we knew God was asking us to trust him, so we did. We rearranged our schedules, Adair and I came back early from Atlanta, Hank’s mom drove over to keep Adair and we headed out the door at 4 am Wednesday morning on a journey with an undetermined outcome trusting God to use us in any way He saw fit. We prayed all the way for God’s faithfulness and His will. We prayed that He would use us to minister to this birth mom regardless of the outcome of the adoption.
When we arrived in Mobile we met D and Amanda for a quick breakfast. Amanda had picked her up for her appointment because no one else in her life was willing to take her. We were nervous walking into the restaurant not knowing what to expect D to look like or act like. We hit it off well considering our differences. She seemed comfortable with us pretty immediately and we learned a lot about her life in a short amount of time. She had definitely had some hard knocks. Aside from the seizures, she was kicked out of school in tenth grade, lost her mom to cancer three years ago, was shuffled back and forth between her grandmother’s house and her dad and step mom’s house, her dad and step mom are drug addicts and they have five other children who they rarely send to school. I could go on, but you get the idea, this girl had lived a tough life at only 23 years old. After breakfast we continued on to the doctor’s appointment. During the appointment D saw the doctor, went for an ultrasound, then saw the doctor again. Due to several factors the doctor decided to deliver the baby via C-section that afternoon. All day D talked about us adopting her baby and made many references to “us having a baby” that day. As we sat in the waiting room with her for hours before the surgery we weren’t sure about adopting the baby, but felt like we were supposed to be there to walk through this with D. We were there to encourage her and love on her when no one else was. The poor girl was there with nothing more than the clothes on her back, no identification, no money, no nothing. While we waited we made a list of things she would need for her hospital stay and later that night we went to Target to get them for her.
Eventually, her family started to arrive…first her dad and grandmother, then her cousin, H, then several of the step siblings, then an aunt, etc. Still D seemed sure in her decision and her family, with the exception of cousin H, seemed to agree that D couldn’t raise the baby on her own. D never wavered in her decision. She kept saying that she really liked us, we seemed like wonderful parents and she wanted us to adopt her baby.
(Let me pause here to explain something. When you adopt a baby the courts will allow you to provide some financial help to the birth mother. In this case we would only be allowed to give her money for March and April because the judge will only allow you to help one month after delivery. In a case where the birth mom is matched with a family earlier in her pregnancy she would receive more help…and ultimately more money. The most the judge was going to allow us to give her was $1500 per month, so $3000 total.)
Not long after D’s dad arrived at the hospital, he pulled Hank aside and said that $3000 wasn’t going to cut it and we were going to need to double or triple that for the deal to work out. He went on to say that they had several other people who had offered a lot more for D’s baby. Hank explained that that amount was mandated and limited by the judge and that we had no control over the dollar amount and if that was a deal breaker for them that we would have to walk away. Later he recanted his statement and apologized saying that D really liked us and really wanted us to adopt the baby.
Around 4 pm D was taken into surgery and she delivered a beautiful, healthy 5 lb. 11 oz. baby girl. Cousin H and her grandmother went into the surgery with her and cousin H cut the umbilical cord. When they came into the waiting room to say that everyone was healthy, cousin H became completely hysterical. She begged us not to “take” D’s baby, that she had no one to love her and this baby was hers. We gently responded that we were not there to take D’s baby and that it was D’s decision to make. Despite that she proceeded to tell everyone that we were there to buy D’s baby.
All day we felt like God was saying stay, minister to this family, and I will honor it, but at this point we wanted to run far, far away. Instead, we were obedient and we stayed. When we laid eyes on that precious baby girl, the hysteria and drama of the day seemed to fade away. When we finally saw D, even after all of the drama, she was still confident in her decision. She signed a consent for us to have hospital bracelets that gave us access to the nursery and to take the baby to a private room to spend time with her. She wanted us to hold the baby instead of her, she referred to Hank as the baby’s father, everything seemed right. We spent time with D and talked about what an amazing thing she was doing and about how we knew God had brought us together for a reason. We talked about the amazing plan that God had for D’s life and for her baby’s life and about trusting Him.
After leaving the hospital for the night, we were driving around looking for a place to stay among full hotels or ones with only smoking rooms available when a dear friend of ours called and insisted that we go and stay with his mom and step dad who just happened to live within 5 minutes of the hospital. We were so exhausted that we quickly accepted the invitation and thanked God for providing for us.
The next morning Hank woke up early with an urge from God to search the scriptures. He landed in 1 Kings where the two mothers were fighting over the baby and King Solomon says to cut the baby in half and give one half to each mother. The real mother of the baby, out of love for her son, begs King Solomon not to kill the child, but instead give him to the other mother. It’s hard to describe, but from that scripture I was reminded of a book that I read recently (The Traveler’s Gift by Andy Andrews) and felt led to give a copy to D. In addition, we felt God telling us that D needed to find Him and when she did she could change her circumstances. We knew it was not our place to judge D’s relationship with the Lord, but we had to follow our hearts. So, we petitioned all of our friends for scripture references, bought her a Bible and highlighted each one. Our hearts desire was for her to see that God loves her, that He sent His only Son to die on the cross to pay the price for her sins, that she is valuable to Him and that He desires to have an intimate relationship with her.
Around 8 am we stopped by the hospital to see the baby, we prayed over her and met with the pediatrician. We didn’t want to bother D so early, so we left to grab breakfast. Later that morning we talked to Donna who had talked to D and all was well. We would meet at noon to sign the papers and officially begin the 5 day waiting period to finalize the adoption. When we arrived back at the hospital just before noon, the nurse in the nursery said that D was wavering. When we got to her room she said that she wanted to talk to us about the baby. Her exact words were, “This deal that Donna is trying to make just isn’t working out. $3000 isn’t enough for me to give you my baby.” God is faithful and He gave us words, because I know we had none. We told her that we cared about her and wanted what was best for her and for the baby, that is was her decision, but that it wasn’t about money it was about the baby. We gave her the book and said we wait in the waiting room until Donna arrived. As we waited I highlighted all of the scriptures that we had gathered and we prayed for God to use us to minister to this family and to protect and provide for that sweet child. We prayed that no matter what the outcome was that we could plant a seed in D’s life.
When Donna arrived and talked to D, she didn’t change her mind and I’m not sure we wanted her to change her mind. All we wanted was for D to make the decision that was best for the baby. Only God knows what is best for her. We were sad and concerned greatly for the welfare of that child, but we had an amazing peace through it all. We had prayed that God would close the door if it wasn’t His will and He was faithful to answer our prayer.
As we talked with Craig and Amanda and over the next 12 hours, we worked through our sadness and disappointment and recognized and named every instance where God was so obviously present in this situation. We can count a million good things that have and will come from this experience. We know now that our main purpose in walking this road was to minister to D, not to adopt her baby. God led us to write her a letter and our hope is that the letter, on top of the scripture and our conversations with her, will encourage D. Our prayer is that she will realize that God is bigger than her circumstances and that she has the power to make the choices that will change her life and her baby’s life forever.
I want to share the letter with you in closing. My prayer is that our transparency in sharing this story will encourage someone else who is walking through something similar. Our pastor recently did a sermon centered on community and one thing he said that has stayed with me is that we go through trials so that we can minister to those who go through the same kinds of trials. This is our mission field. We know that so much good has come and will come from this experience. We will likely never know how God works in D and her baby’s life, we will probably never see the fruits of our labor, but we know that God is faithful and that He will use and honor our obedience.
For those of you reading this who have walked with us through these last days, you will never know how great the impact was of your prayers, support, encouragement and love. Words could never express how thankful we are for each and every one of you.
“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly that all that we can ask or imagine, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21
PS For those of you wondering about our next step with adoption, walking through this has made our heart “swell” even more for adoption and confirmed, once again, that we have a daughter waiting for us in China.
Dear D,
We felt compelled to write you this letter and we hope that you will read it and store its words away in your heart. And please let us begin by saying we have no hard feelings toward you and wish you and that sweet baby girl nothing but the very best that life has to offer.
We don’t know where your beliefs lie and it’s not our place to judge your relationship with God, but we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He brought us here, He has walked with us and guided us in every step, and that He has a purpose for us having met you.
What we want to share with you is this: God is bigger than your circumstances. You have the power to make decisions for you and that sweet baby girl now. You can choose to accept your circumstances or you can decide to change them. You can create a life for her where she can thrive, learn, grow and be happy. Your life and her life are in your hands.
In Isaiah 41:9-10 God says, “I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant; I have chosen you and not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am you God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous hand.’”
Just think if you take it one step at a time and set out with a purpose and a drive to change your circumstances you can do it. And there is a God who loves you and wants to bring you out of your circumstances.
Nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37). If you decide to trust Him you can change your circumstances. God is bigger than your circumstances. Romans 8:31 says “If God is for us, who can be against us?” He is on your side. He wants to have a personal relationship with you. God loves you, D. So much so that He gave His only son over to death on a cross to wash away your sins and give you eternal life. John 3:16 says, “God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son that we might have life and have it to the full.” Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 6:23 says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose.” Trust Him and He will work your circumstances for good. God has adopted us as His own children. 1 John 2:12 says, “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called the children of God.”
We know you talked about not having much money, but with that sweet baby girl you will have a little more. Use it wisely. Take time to learn about managing your money and keep what is rightfully yours. Find a doctor who you trust and who can find the solution to manage your seizures. Once you find a treatment that is working, be faithful to it. Remain seizure free for a year and get a good steady job and your driver’s license. With a driver’s license you will have so much more control over your daily life and won’t have to rely on everyone else as much. Get a place to live for just the two of you. Get your GED-you said you were so close. Buy a book or find a website that will help you learn how to sew and use the talent and the passion you have to change your circumstances.
We don’t know where you will be in a year if you make these types of decisions, but we know that God will honor your effort and He will bless you. We can imagine if you make a decision to change your circumstances today that a year from now on that little girl’s first birthday you would have something to celebrate in addition to her sweet little life.
One thing we have always said is that we want our children to have a better life than we had. We love our daughter so much that we want her to have more and be more than we are and we accomplish that by not accepting our circumstances. Through hard work and determination, you can change your circumstances. God is bigger than any of our circumstances.
You may not ever read “The Traveler’s Gift”, the book that we gave you yesterday, but we hope that you will. We sincerely believe that there is a message in that book for you. (If you start now, it’s likely you would finish before you are discharged from the hospital.) It’s a fictional book, but really speaks to what we are talking about here. The author uses historical decisions to encourage hard decisions. He says there are seven principles with which to make decisions.
· The buck stops here – taking personal responsibility
· Seek wisdom – search for understanding and discernment
· Be a person of action – being a courageous leader
· Have a decided heart – overcoming double mindedness
· Choose happiness – possessing a grateful spirit
· Forgive others – the power of grace and mercy
· Persist – persevering with faith until the end
The buck stops with you, D. You have the power to change your circumstances. You can choose to accept them or you can choose to change them. You have the power to decide today to give your daughter the life that you’ve always wanted. The buck stops with you.
We will pray for you and for that sweet baby girl. That’s a promise we will keep. I am sure we will never see you again, but we know that God has an amazing plan for your life and for your baby’s life. We pray that you will seek Him and trust Him to show you that He is bigger than your circumstances.
In closing, we will leave you with this blessing. The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace (Number 6:24-26).
In Christ Alone,
Brecca and Hank
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